"Fridays Contest"... Is almost over... So I'll try to get it in this next week even earlier...
- Location:Out Of The Womb...
- Mood:HERE...
- Music:Somewhere Over The Rainbow...
THANKS...
- Location:Out Of The Womb...
- Mood:Here...
- Music:Help Me Rhonda...
"I made an awesome Father... You can see this in my children... Their children's children... And so on... As my journey was made with this body... Which was not of the natural sort for fathers... It was that of a mothers... So I made due with what I was given... And in doing so... I was made whole with this understanding"...
- Location:Out Of The Womb...
- Mood:Here...
- Music:Balad Of A Salad...
Who is unbiased by my daily ventures... *ahem*... (Nikki)...
Who understands that I have faults (BIG TIME)... *ahem*... (Nikki)...
Who doesn't take to heart the things that may pop out of my mouth when I am being random... AKA... Angry... Upset... Gleeful... Distraut... Hurt... Sugarful... Spinning... Or whatever other emotion I happen to display during a 50 minute segment... *ahem*... (Nikki)...
I haven't quite gotten over that little escapade that was thrown... No no no... I mean HURLED at such a deadly force... All things stopped... Turning my world upside down... All in a matter of seconds...
Fucking "Workers Comp"...
~*~**~*~**~*~
All I've done for months now... Is cried... At first on the inside... Eventually... It turned to the car rides of lonliness to Grandmas... I'd find myself driving with my sunglasses on... and the local Country station turned up... Just driving... Letting it out... Then I started calling into the show... and particapating with my own quips...
I know that there is something wrong...
I can see it...
Hell... I can feel it...
I just don't know what it is...
I miss being in school... Being social...
I feel misplaced in this world...
Kind of lost... and... OR... Forgotten...
~*~**~*~**~*~
I miss my best friend... Who has for quite a few years been battling with inner deamons... Who talk to her... and tell her nasty things... To the point where she feels the need to live inside of her head... Instead of living life out here... With the rest of us...
I miss her...
I cry for her... Because if it were me... She would too...
I feel helpless...
I feel like no matter what... Things will never be as good as they were when we were younger...
A good reason NOT to actually go milling about for my old yearbooks...
I can't bring myself to succumb more torture...
For now...
I rely on my memory... Which has proven to be rather long... Looking for old friends... Trying to reconnect... and see what exatly was so special... Possibly relocate those feelings of youth... But with a broader sense... Understanding that now is now... and then was then... But actually sharing it with someone who was there...
If that makes any sense...
~*~**~*~**~*~
I used to have dreams...
Goals...
Really...
But now...
Not so much...
I suppose the BIGGEST goal now is to pay off the bills... Or at least get caught up... It is so stressful... To see the breakdown of how things get to a certain point... and how to aleviate the problem... It's the getting there that is so HORRIBLE for me...
See... That's the thing... I'm not one to KNOW how to bridge that gap...
For myself...
Really...
I mean... I'm an excellent problem solver... But I'm no good at breaking things down into steps... and generally... That's all it takes...
~sigh~...
No matter how well intentioned I am...
~*~**~*~**~*~
I doubt that I've mentioned to you lately... How left out I feel in the realm of child bearing...
I would love to actually have a baby...
I know it wouldn't be a quick fix to the issues at hand... Nevertheless... It's something that I feel I am actually missing in life... and the door is slowly coming to a crack... Barely big enough to look through...
I'm afraid that one day... I'm going to try to go through it... and my attempt will be null... and void...
A huge reason for the door shutting much earlier... Is that in my family... Menapause starts in the late 20's to early 30's... Sadly... Mine started right around 24... Irregular periods... Hot flashes... Mood swings... Cravings...
HELL...
Some say it's like a mock pregnancy...
It's quite true... Yet so cruel...
I can hear my clock ticking to itself...
Baby anything makes me change into a gurgling mess...
Enough about that...
If I have to dwell too long... I think I might start crying again...
FUCKING hormones...
~*~**~*~**~*~
I feel lonely... and scared...
I wish I could be a kid for just one more day... So I could ask more questions about whatever I want... Without being made to feel like shit for doing so... Or be given the look that says... 'Well... You oughta know'... Or... 'Are you serious... Don't be a dumbass'...
I think that's another reason why I'm so heavily involved with my Grandparents... Because they don't do those things to me... and still see me as me... Way back when...
They're the only ones who still do...
Mostly...
They still want to protect me... and shove me down a garbage shoot when I fuck up...
And they also still believe in me...
Whereas lately...
I've forgotten to...
~*~**~*~**~*~
For New Years... I didn't make a resolution... I made a goal instead...
I can without uncertainy... and penalty of perjury...
Declaire...
That I have not had "fast food" (if it has a "drive-thru"... and they have heat lamps... AND it's made in less time than a microwave... It counts as "fast food")... Since last year...
That as of 10 days today... Well... Later today... I have not had soda... Or any form of the stuff...
I've been drinking...
Water... Fruitjuice... Tea... Oh yeah... and did I mention water...
I've noticed that I'm able to wear shirts that I havn't worn in months... Due to the excessive preverbial "holiday" weight I managed to gain... Along with everyone else in the U.S during said holiday season...
Actually... I know that things should be looking up in this particular department...
Monday... I hope to start PE again... At least Brian... and Laura will keep me on track with that...
That is... If I can actually get into class... As the semester has already started...
Like two whole weeks ago...
- Location:Out Of The Womb...
- Mood:HERE...
- Music:In My Waking Hour...
That's all that keeps coming to mind as I sit... and think about it...
I know what you're thinking... 'What the HELL now'...
I did the unthinkable... and actually looked at what Ree was squawking about...
Yeah...
No...
I should really just stick to my guns... and just listen to the little voices inside my head... They tend to scream when she says to look something over... and has that tone... You know the tone to which I'm referring...
Anyway...
So I looked...
Yeah... From the moment I saw what she was talking about... I wanted to poke my eyes out... and have my mind erased...
Fat chance on either...
So I did what any Ocean would do for their Stars... and told her to take care of it...
http://search.petfinder.com/petnote/disp
How could I say no...
- Location:Out Of The Womb...
- Mood:HERE...
- Music:Crazy Infested World...
Obviously... Where I'm at as far as career choices... Ummm... Yeah... So not working...
I don't know about you all... But this factor bothers the shit out of me... Sometimes to where I can't sleep...
~*~**~*~**~*~
I've got a lot going on right now... So much in fact... That when I actually stop to think about it... I get a fucking migraine...
YaY...
~*~**~*~**~*~
I have a couple of books that I want to get published... One is actually done... The others are slowly but surely working their way out of my head...
~sigh~...
I just don't know where to start... and YES... I'm the type when there's an avenue with LOTS of proposed paper work... I need someone who a) has my "best interest" at heart... b) understands the paper work... and c) isn't afraid of taking on a challenge... Oh yeah... and finally d) gets along with ME (the human who's typing this post... Not our gimpy kitty "ME")...
~*~**~*~**~*~
Justise went off to camp this morning... He'll be gone all week...
~HEAVY SIGH~...
I miss him already...
~*~**~*~**~*~
Duck (Dulcie) is going to go on her first "REAL" all girls shopping trip... This one counts officially... Because it's NOT for wedding... Gathering of any sort... Or special occasion... It's simply because my SiSter (you remember the one... Who I stopped speaking to... Because she had her head crammed up her ass... That she couldn't see light... Yeah... her) wants to take her 8 year old niece to get clothes that actually fit her...
As poor Ducks hips are spreading... and her pants don't button... I thought we'd have to wait until next month... But my SiSter said "how about Tuesday evening?!?"... enthusiastically... So I arranged everything... and am going to pick Duck up to drop her with my SiSter to do this event...
A big part of me wants to stick it out... But another part of me says... "Go home... Relax... She's in GOOD hands"... Which she is... My SiSter has done a complete 180... Thankfully... As a 360 would put her back where she started... and we certainly DON'T want that... Never in a million years again...
~*~**~*~**~*~
I've been knitting...
FUCK...
There...
I've said it...
**DEEP BREATH**...
So right now... I'm in the middle of making 3 baby hats... and a toddler hat for the baby hats to go into... Instead of the "traditional" wrapping... and packaging of 3 baby hats...
The baby hats are for a friend who's expecting his first baby in March... Who also just so happens to own the Mr. Pickle down the street...
Yummmy...
In the works...
A fabulous hat for Grandma... One for Ange... and another for Duck...
I've kicked out quite a few so far... and I'll be posting pics when I can...
- Location:Out Of The Womb...
- Mood:HERE...
- Music:Long Journey Home...
I was driving down the Blvd... Listening to the radio cranked good... and loud... When all of a sudden... A rather conservative motorcyclist pulled just past my hood... Then looked back... and walked his bike back to my passenger window... Pulled up his visor... and proceeded to ask for directions to another road not far from where we were... Knowing the length of it... I asked which part of the road was he looking for... The reply totally made my day...
He was looking for a locally known "titty bar"...
**BLINK BLINK**...
I gave him the directions... and in a breath... He sped off... Not before I noticed that the poor guy was completely embarassed...
Nevertheless... It totally made my drive to pick up the BuBBa from school... Well worth it to boot...
THANKS CONSERVATIVE MAN ON MOTORCYCLE... I NEEDED THAT...
I know that I always say how bad I've been... Not keeping up on my journal... Yeah... Been caught up knitting... and haven't been doing fast food... My clothes have been fitting differently... and do to these factors... I haven't been online much... So as you can imagine the back log of my email...
Ah... Well...
I've been taking pictures of the things I've been pumping out on my "kniffty knitter"... and I can't seem to keep up with everyone wanting this... Or that...
In short... It allows me to funnel positive thoughts into my work... That others wear with pride... All because "I" made it for them...
Who would have thunk... It kind of makes me feel important... Even though... In my own world I am... It somehow expands my world to a whole other level...
A positive thing for me... HELL... After everything we've gone through this past year... I could totally utilize some goodness...
- Location:Out Of The Womb...
- Mood:HERE...
- Music:"How About Them Cowgirls"...
Gerald The Groundhog...
Mother Nature...
Father Time...
The Tooth Fairy...
Jack Frost...
Gremlins under the bed...
Frosty The Snowman
Unicorns...
Tom Turkey...
Baby New Year...
Ogres...
Faeries...
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer...
Trolls...
and lets not forget the Energizer Bunny...
Or the Coca Cola Polar Bear...
But there's one thing I still believe in... Firmly set deep within my complicated structure... and that's Santa...
After nearly 33 years of believing... I've weeded out the questions... and came to my own conclusions... Which... after much debate can't be too far off...
Nevertheless... I believe that Santa isn't really a man... But Mrs. Clause in drag (there's no man involved... She's just that good)... No padding needed... and the beard you ask... Yup... It's HERS... Her laugh is often compared to a bowl full of jelly... But what they leave out of said comparison is that it's actually of the "KY" variety...
Santa does enjoy "slaying"... The reindeer like being whipped... The masochistic beasts are always begging Santa for a "test run" in the off season...
The elves are just as bad... Always coming up with ideas to be put under wraps... They're addicted to bows... and like being tied up with the ribbons... What else do you think they do for the other 364 days of the year...
The whole "ubiquitous" policy... That's just something Santa came up with to appease her cult following... Also it gives her an alibi to where she was with all of those names on the "naughty" list... **WINK WINK**...
Santa really does appreciate all of the letters... and lists... But if Santa took the time to actually respond to each... and every one... She'd have no time for her personal brothel lady elves... Because actually... Nothing says Christmas like a good... Long... and lust filled hug from your very own lap high elf... **WINK WINK RADIOMATTHEW**... and if a majority of the world population found out about these special times... They'd promptly ask for their very own lap high lady elf for their very own...
With this being said... I've probably either turned a few of you red... From the seasonal display... Or shock... Either way... Ti's the season... Happy holidays... Kwanzaa... Christmas... Channukah... Or whatever you celebrate... May the New Year bring you... and yours good fortune... and don't forget to support your local sex drive... It does wonders for the spirit... and who knows when... Or where... But we all know Santa is watching... The voyeur she is... Especially this time of the year...
HO HO HO
- Location:Out Of The Womb...
- Mood:HERE...
- Music:Santa Clause Is Cumming To Town...
Honest...
There's just so much to mull over...
Happy holidays everyone...
- Location:Out Of The Womb...
- Mood:HERE...
- Music:Christmas Cookies (George Streight)...
**DEEP BREATH**...
~exasperated sigh~...
My 18 y/o SiSter informed me that she might be pregnant...
The same one who had a rather tumultuous upbringing... Not just by the likes of the man who donated sperm to make her... But by the sheer allowance by our mother... The details are extensively gory... Not to say the least...
After much debate... I told her simply... Why it wasn't working in her favor with MoM being her "best friend"... That when you "blackmail"... and place a choke hold on someone to be where you want them to be... It generally causes them to resent you in the end...
I further explained that one of the reasons why I had drastically stepped back... and out of their lives... Was the simple idea of their "conditional" love... All of them...
She then told me that she hates our brother (her eldest... my older of the 2... In short... Me... Brother... Same parents... Then youngest brother... and her... Different fathers)... That he is the epitome of evil... How he manipulates our mother... That he owes her for over a years rent (apparently... He's been having her pay it while living with a family "friend")... Something around 5 g's people... Also he's lead her to believe that he's going to pay her back when he gets his "settlement" from his "work comp" claim... Which... I doubt she knows... Because he got that just this last year (which proves he stupid because he told our DaD... Who in turn told me... BTW... Our DaD thinks he's a real winner also... Says he's a huge disappointment... Which is kind of sad... Really... All of his actions prove this)... and has been playing her for no real reason...
You see... This whole fucking time... I've seen myself as the "black sheep" of the family... I suppose it's who you ask... My father thinks it's my brother... and my mother thinks it's me... Then again... My father is one of my best friends... Like my Grandmother... You know... She's always gotten me... Never made me feel like I couldn't exist... Unlike my mother... Who (with her "homophobic" views... This only seems to apply to me... and not my richly flamed extremely happy bottom dwelling princess of a brother... In short... He's so faggy... He makes Richard Simmons and Sigfried & Roy look straight...
Quite honestly... I believe this is based upon her own personal issues with gayness of the "female" persuasion... No matter the level... It wouldn't matter if I were... **AHEM**... Bi... She'd still find a way to ditch my ass at the curb... Which I have long since grasped the concept of with the help of my rather ravishing assistant... **A H E M **... My WIFE... Who has stuck with me through it all... To say the least... She gets me... and understands why drives me... I am a good person... No matter what the "womb" says... Nevertheless... The "womb" will never get it...
Ever...
In other news... BuBBa stayed home sick all week long... It's been such a fun... and elongated week... To say the least... We discovered that his pits now have new tenants... ~sigh~... Our little BuBBalina is growing up... **TEARS WELLING UP**... He said that it was no big deal... But I told him that we needed to have a dinner over it... He laughed... and said no... I then told him that I'd get him a cake... Which he laughed at... I asked him what he wanted on it... He said "nothing"... So I told him that It's with his "pit hairs"... Or the fact that his scrotum is dropping... That it wasn't like when a girl got her period... You know...
So...
Which one do you think he picked...
Hmmm...
DUDE...
It's moments like these... That make me feel like a million bucks...
Sad... But true nonetheless... LoL...
For those of you who care... YES... I'm weird like that... I just don't want our children growing up with barriers... Not that they don't have a few here... and there... Like other kids... I love them so very much...
Duck... and I have been having "having memories almost daily... Growing closer than ever... She's in the 3rd grade... and feels the need to still emulate my actions... Another reason why she's nicknamed "Duck"... Always following me about like a baby Duck...
I have to get ready to leave... I woke up with the initial question "what's so special about him (my loser brother) anyway"...
Yeah... I know... I should just put it down... Honestly... It's kind of hard... Because we were invited up to my "short" Grandparents house to see one of my cousins from out of state... Now because of a decision that we are upholding firmly... I must partake this journey alone... Ree will be staying home with the kids for me... I know that I will be ok... Simply because I now have a new found light on the whole issue of that portion of my family...
Oh yeah... BTW... For those who don't like the jumping around stuff... You're up shit creek with me on that... ADD doesn't make things better you know... LMAO...
Ooooo... Kitty... LoL...
Until we meet again...
I must bid you adieu...
- Location:Out Of The Womb...
- Mood:HERE...
- Music:Here Comes the Rain...
So... This morning after Ree's alarm went off... I fell back to a half sleep... Half awake kind of deal... To me it's just annoying... I mean... EVERY little sounds gets to me... While my eyes were too tired to open... My ears were not... Honestly... I wish they would have stayed shut too...
Anyway...
While in this state... I managed to sqeek out a dream... Go figure...
Here goes...
Ree... and I went to see my DaD... Somehow... He and my Step-Beast had managed to snake a real fine house... It was like something out of the 70's or something... Art deco... Chunky blocks for rooms... Sliding doors for each of them... Like dorm living though... Single story... Flat roofed... The outside was the kind of wood that you'd find at a beach house... Dark... Yet inviting... and the carpet was "muppet/Oscar green"... The same stuff that we had when I was a kid... and my parents were still together...
Anyway... Along with the new house came roommates... None of which I liked... Who left clothes... and dishes everywhere... and Let things flood... Yeah... Other than that stuff... It was nice... Then... After miandering through the new dwelling... It didn't have that new feeling... It felt lived in... For a while... That we had a family business... and when Ree... and I got there... I slipped into the business like a fitted glove...
I remember taking a shower... and being wrapped in a towel... Walking thorughout the house... Trying to get dressed for the day... But being interupted by people... Asking questions... Finally... I asked a lady that had asked me for assistance... If it was ok for me to get dressed before i helped her next... She said yes... and waited patiently... After I had walked away to do this... I traveled from room to room... Trying to find my clothes... Then my Grandmother (DaDs Mother) had stopped me... Took me to a side patio to chat... "Privately"... and while she was talking... I noticed our gimpy cat... "ME" playing with a tiny brown mouslette... A cute one too... I remember thinking... Oh fuck... What're you doing out here... I looked around... and noticed that another slider was cracked open... So i snuck up on "ME"... Locking all doors behind me... As I picked him up... I scolded him for being outside... and how he wasn't allowed out by himself... Due to the whole "predator/prey" factor... Him being the latter... AND... It was the wild animals I was worried about... It was DaD's new roomies...
Once I was dressed... I managed to make my way ouside... I found the lady wandering about by herself... She didn't flag me down... Nor did she acknowledge me... So I went over to where Ree was... She was looking at a collection of pictures that were mine... They were put into the same frames that my parents had our family pictures in when I was little... Oddly enough... They were now holding pictures of "out home"... My Grandmothers birthplace... A ranch if you will... Ree was quite taken aback by the old homestead... Just as I was going to comment on it... I looked over... and saw my Granfather (MoMs Father) standing before me... He looked calm... and peaceful... With his hands folded in front of him... In his trademark "Members Only" jacket... He was waiting... Patiently... Then I looked down at the table... and saw a very nicely down portrait of his wife (my MoMs step Mother)...At once... I felt this heaviness in my heart... Which I clutched... Gripping my chest... I started a fit of uncontrollable sobs... Gut wrenching cries filled the air... and when I looked at him... He said that she wanted me to have it... Because she knew that I loved her... and that was that... The whole time... Ree's holding me to her shoulder... Then he said that it ok...
~END DREAM~
I just called to make sure... and broke down just hearing her answer the phone... So... Ummm... Yeah... I'm blubbering here...
Just a side note... The last time I had a dream that someone died... It was her son... My uncle... and he did... At the exact time that was in my dream... Then the phone rang... and it was my MoM telling me that he was dead... She was shocked to hear me reply "I know"... Then I told her... She hung up on me...
It's happened before too... Quite a few times... Family... and friends... Either loved... Or admired... But they come in my dreams to say goodbye... Then I wake up... and find out the truth... Which is another reason I don't much care for Disneyland... I lost 2 people while there... They weren't... They were at their respective homes...
Anyway...
I'm a bit creeped out... Shaken up... and so on...
And like I said... I am sorry about not getting back to you all before now...
Much love to ALL...
- Location:Out Of The Womb...
- Mood:HERE...
- Music:Commercials... Don't Ask...
Somehow... Coming from the depths of my very soul... I feel kind of robbed... A mixture of being... and doing the robbing... How so you might ask... Well...
For starters... The laptop... It has all of this last years photos on it... Literally thousands of them... GONE... In a breath... But here's the catch... That breath hasn't happened... YET... The laptop is a compaq... Runs on Windows XP... But since the blue screen of death appeared... We've been running the copy of Knoppix that Evan gave us a few years ago... Talk about a backdoor... The program allows us to use the internet without dealing with the blue screen of death every time... It gets bothersome... and tedious seeing this blockade every time we want to NOT use the laptop... Needless to say... I spent the better part of 2 hours using Knoppix to get an online rep for HP on chat... His name was "Wayne"... Lets just say... If in person... The conversation would probably have ended in about 12 minutes... and NOT have wasted 2 hours like we did... I didn't get the feeling like "Wayne" needed a translator... Much less than I really just had him stumped... You see... I DON'T function well under duress... No less an angry wife looming in the only route of escape for me... So what knumbskull act do I engage in while I wait... I turn the game system on to occupy my otherwise melting mind... This... BTW... Is NOT a good idea for those in relationships... It makes matters worse... No... REALLY...
There's MORE...
But my head hurts from all of the crap... and I'm not sure how much more power we have on here...
I hope all is well with everyone else...
I hope this shit gets taken care of soon... I just want a normal life... Like the one I used to reach for... That is when the stars weren't so close... **WINKS AT REE**...
PS...
IF ANYONE KNOWS HOW TO GET IN THROUGH THE BACKDOOR OF WINDOWS XP... WITHOUT LOSING EVERY OUNCE OF WORK... PLEASE FEEL FREE TO MESSAGE EITHER ONE OF US... AND LET US KNOW... IT'S LIKE 911... REALLY... I FEEL HORRIBLE ABOUT LOSING ALL OF OUR WORK (PICTURES) FOR THE PAST YEARS TIME...
THANKS
PS AGAIN...
*****NEWS FA-LASH*****
REE'S PLAYING THE GAME SYSTEM... SO NOT LIKE HER... JUST THOUGHT YOU ALL SHOULD KNOW...
- Location:Out Of The Womb...
- Mood:HERE...
- Music:Mario Theme Song...
I'm home at last...
Maybe more later... I'm exhausted... So probably more later... Than the usual...
I've never been so happy to be home... My little corner of hot box heaven... With my sweaty bubble of a bride... How I missed the sounds of being home... It's a comfort to me... Grandmas house is waaaay to quiet... and oddly... Hard for me to maintain that quietness... It's maddening to me... I suppose that' why I read to my Grandmother so much... Which is nice for her... At least when I think of the latter... Which would be screaming to fill the void... You know...
~sigh~...
- Location:Out Of The Womb...
- Mood:HOME...
- Music:There She Goes...
Great way to start a day...
Ree...
"Ummm... SweetPea... Bettleguise is dead"...
Me...
**JUMPS UP WITH A START**... "What the fuck... Where is he... What happened... **COMES AROUND THE CORNER AND STUMBLES ON HIS LIFELESS BODY**... Oh man... **TAKES A DEEP BREATH**... I'm not telling the kids right away... **LOOKS AT REE AND SEES HER CRYING**... It's ok Babe... He's with Bellatrix now"...
Ree...
"I'm not touching him... I can't"...
Me...
"It's ok... **LOOKS AROUND FOR A BAG TO PUT HIM INTO**... I've got him"...
Ree...
"What are you looking for"...
Me...
"A bag... I mean... We can't just leave him out... Since we have absolutely no A.C... and it'll be a while until we can get him in the freezer at Miss Vickys (old high school buddy who works at a vet) work... He'd stink up the house... and the kids surely don't need a hands on lesson with that"...
Ree...
"You're right SweetPea... They don't... They've gone through enough crap this Summer... **LOOKS AROUND AND LOCATES A BAG**... What about this one"...
Me...
"I can't use that"...
Ree...
"Why not"...
Me...
"I'm not going to put him into a walmart bag... Nonetheless a dollartree bag... Besides... Black is more suitable for him... **FINDS A BLACK GARBAGE BAG**... ~sigh~... I'm so sorry Babe"...
Ree...
**BLOWS NOSE AND WIPES TEARS AS SHE HANDS ME A DUSTPAN**... "Here... Use this"...
Me...
**THINKING THAT THE WAFFLE BOX IS JUST THE RIGHT SIZE**... "Can you hand me the ___... **GETS CUT OFF BY REES ACTION OF HANDING ME THE WAFFLE BOX**... Thanks Babe... **GRUMBLES TO SELF**... This fucking sucks... **THINKS TO SELF**... {Why am I not overwrought about this... Is there something wrong with me... Maybe it's because Ree's already taken the road of tears for us both}"...
Ree...
"I couldn't see him any further down the road either... It never felt right"...
Me...
"Yeah... I know... Me too"...
Ree...
"Why does the house not like babies"...
Me...
"I'm dreading bringing a human infant into it... For fuck sake"...
Ree...
**WIPES NOSE**... "Yeah... Huh... That is scary"...
Me...
**WRAPS MY ARMS AROUND Ree**... "Makes you wonder doesn't it"...
~*~**~*~**~*~
This all happened in slow motion from my perspective... It may not be exact... But it's close enough... So there's an understanding of what emotions were being strewn about...
There's too much heartache in our family... 2007 can so be over with... Or at least allow a do over for those who happen to of got screwed over this year...
FUCK...
I'm officially dubbing 2007 year of the "broken hearts"...
I am dreading the talk that I get to give to the kids later on today...
FUCK...
My heart breaks at the thought of the whole thing...
- Location:Out Of The Womb...
- Mood:There...
- Music:Smash Mouth remix "I'm A Believer"... (How Ironic)
We drove to the ocean...
I saw it from my chair... But refused to get wet...
~sigh~...
I know better... Not even to wet my feet... I'd still end up soaked...
Only my left side of me is CHARRED... Fucking bad habit of needing to be the one to always drive...
Serves me right I suppose... Then again... I don't normally drive in my beater... Oh fucking well...
In other news... I did another something out of character... When BuBBa walked Duck up to the potty... I slid out of my chair... and onto the beach beside my Baby... Who seemed to be absorbed in the texture... and sounds of our surroundings... The beach by the way was minus sand... It was in fact entirely made of pebbles... All sorts... Beautifully subtle in each little stones way...
So I got down in the middle of the stones... and took in what she was... Just to be near her... I mean... This was our home away from home... Where we could be who we really were... and a place to "recharge" what was taken away by living so far away... Yeah... It felt good... Remembering what had happened the last time I was on a "pebble" beach (due to the nerve damage in both of my legs... I couldn't tell that I was getting cuts all over my feet)... I decided to keep my shoes on...
Then I got this perfectly innocent idea in my head... Since she wasn't responding to my being next to her... I decided to appeal to her competative nature... I took a bucket... A gardenning spade... and haded it to her... Got myself one... Then proceeded to spew out the rules... Which we were that the first person to fill their bucket wins... and best out of three is the winner over all... I won the first one... Ree said I cheated when I knocked her bucket over on the second... So I gave it to her... A blatant pitty call... No... I did knock her bucket over... Did I cheat... Depends on your outlook of the whole thing... LoL... But the third I won... Best two out of three... WOOO HOOO...
Hey... We were finally having fun... Something we don't get to do very often... Due to the fixed schedules we live back home... It fucking sucks... But for a moment... However brief it was... We were kids again... I didn't feel the pains of adulthood... In fact... I'm in a much better condition than I was the last time we went to the ocean... I proved that theory correct when we had to go back to the truck... DUDE... That was invigorating... No really... I actually got to the truck the same time as everyone else... Which really made me feel good...
Oh yeah... and BEFORE we went to the truck... The kids were burrying eachother... Well... I was still on the gravel from the "races" with Ree... Watching them gave me some much needed courage... and then it happened... I got the idea which came flying out of my mouth... and much to my surprise... and the surprise of everyone else... I said... "NO... IT'S MY TURN... BURY ME"...
What the fuck was that... The next thing I knew... I was sitting in the same hole I had dug while burrying Duck... and everyone... Ree included... Started taking buckets of gravel... and dumping them on me... I layed there as my family laughed... and made comments about the whole new situation... An oddity for sure to them... MoMMa was allowing herself to play... and partake in the fun... HELL... There were no "baby steps" on this one... I just belly flopped right on out there with them... and it was great... I had such a blast... I wish we lived closer to the beach... I'd be there everyday... No really...
Then we drove home...
I'll add pictures soon... As for now... I'm headed to get slathered down with aloe... and back to bed... Maybe Grandmother won't notice my burns... and ask me how my weekend was... Then I won't have to tell an untruth to hide our familys much needed... and well deserved fun... All because we can do without... But who in their right mind would think this would suffice in todays world... Is beyond me...
Much love to all...
PS...
I'll fill you in on the poopers they had at the beach... and what happened... Trust me... It's a doozy...
- Location:Out Of The Womb...
- Mood:Here...
- Music:Beach Boys...
- Location:Out Of The Womb...
- Mood:Here...
- Music:Walking Through Your Dreams...
Old pics...
More later...
- Location:Doesn't Matter...
- Mood:Nowhere...
- Music:Missing You...
I need to find a job... Something that I'd be good at... But alas... Things get deeper... and the universe braces for another dump...
With the experience that I've gained... and just so happen to be gifted with... Make me worthy of a higher level position than I've seen... I always test high... But seem to be placed in the "manual labor" division... Which prey tell my body can no longer tolerate... Sadly... As much as I try... My body cannot do what it used to... I have to carry a casr from my surgeon stating so... In case there's ever a question...
Another thing is my outward appearance... No... It's not my piercings... and or tattoos either... It's just me... I look like a menace on the outside... But when you look inside... I'm good as gold... I've been out of the work force for quite some time... A huge part of me actually misses it... Then there's that other part that says that I'm not ready... I'm scared... It's been years...
What the HELL...
I don't suppose any of you out there in cyberland have any tips on jobs available... If so... Help me out here... Please... I live in the Sacramento area...
- Location:Out Of The Womb...
- Mood:Here...
- Music:The Best Of Depeche Mode...
HELL...
Even just to sit in... I'm so fucking miserable... The kids are too... and I can only imagine how the animals are doing... We're keeping them watered like a mother fucker... As in the past... We know that the heat kills... From both personal experiences... and stories from others...
So not having a good time...
- Location:Out Of The Womb...
- Mood:Here...
- Music:Hot HOt HOT...
Today as follows...
DaD's going in for a "chemically" induced heart attack... He told me about it last night... He didn't sound scared... It was his wording that tipped me off...
Frankly... This scares me the most...
I mean... When I think of my father... "Scared" isn't even in the realm of him in who he is to me... If that makes any sense...
He's gone through a lot in his life of near 54 years... 32 of which I've personally witnessed... and have discussed at length with him... Due to that last remark... We've grown even closer than ever... Now I've always been "DaDDys Little Tomboy"... Never really bonding with MoM... She favors my loser of a brother (a whole other train wreck)... Always has...
I'm going to end that there... As there are more novel ways to spend my time... and personally I'd rather not waste it on people who go out of their way to make me miserable...
~*~**~*~**~*~**~*~**~*~
The air quality is going to suck ass today... Along with the lovely 102 degree weather... Ummm... Yeah... See... It wouldn't suck so much if there wasn't the humidity... To clarify... I don't mean "Tropical" humidity... Nor the more common humidity back East... Sacramento seems to have shortened the spurts of hot weather... A lot of which has happened since the famed "El Nino" took place... It somehow shifted the elements... Along with the seasons... Crazy stuff... Like Hot weather until November... and Snow in the mountains through August... What the FUCKING hell... Pretty weird shit... In any event... The weather here is nothing to sniff at... But isn't even comparable to "equator" living... More so to the "sixth realm of hell"... Well... Actually that was in reference to the temperature in our actual home... DUDE... I'm here all day... I have to be here with the kids... and do you know what we're doing... We're not laying down... and melting into blurred puddles of distorted flesh... We're trying to get the house in order...
Ummm... Yeah... If you saw it... You'd probably claw your eyes out... Yesterday alone... I had the kids bring as many clothes (people... Bed... and so on)... and pile it up in the hall/kitchen way... Now... In order to get into the kitchen... or down the hallway... You have to climb almost 2 to 3 feet into the air in some areas... and almost slide down the other side... Now for those of you who aren't part billy goat... We have the kids to do the fetching of items... The cats (all 4) don't seem to mind... As it has now been claimed by them... To sleep... To play... Or just exist...
GREAT...
Now "I" want to be a cat here...
DUDE...
Speaking of which... Bellatrix is currently "sharing" a chocolate doughnette with me... It was her doing... and my lack of attention... She's a character to boot... and such a MoMMas girl...
- Location:Out Of The Womb...
- Mood:Here...
- Music:If It Makes You Happy...
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